It's me Christy-Lee D.

WARNING: Contains graphic images

Before you read this post, it will be helpful to refer to the previous post named “MY NEW SOUL.” This will help you understand the importance of what I am saying. Friday night, I was in yoga, and during savasana, I had a spiritual experience. I was listening to the music, and then suddenly, I felt the vibration of the notes penetrate deep into my core. I saw images of my spirit guides dancing around me in a circle and celebrating. I could identify three of the spirit guides as my mother, father, and friend Cindi, and numerous others I could not yet recognize or remember.

Dancing and celebrating around me, a smile crept across my face, and gratitude and wonder filled my heart as I thought about what they might be celebrating. Then, when the music stopped, I felt them all settle down into seats, still encircling me and letting me know that they were with me always and all ways. It felt like the scene in Harry Potter the Deathly Hallows where Harry has the resurrection stone and his parents show up to protect him, but they have been with him all along. It left me feeling light and blessed to have had that moment of connection and clarity.
The following day I told my roommate about this experience as we went to yoga.
We had a fantastic class and then returned home to enjoy coffee while I prepared for my short trip. It was 10:30 am, and I left for VA for the weekend. The weather was overcast, with rain off and on and a tornado warning in some areas. At the time, the sky was dry, and I was moving along the two-lane road with my cruise control set at 60mph. The speed limit was 55mph. When I saw the silver car roll through the stop sign, a new friend was on my Bluetooth, and we were getting to know each other and discussing our plans. They were at the upper left-hand side of the road and crossed to the lower right-hand side at a diagonal while I was traveling straight ahead. As their vehicle moved into the one lane separating them from me, I had five seconds total from impact to stopping.

“Oh my God, this guy isn’t going to stop!”

His car continues into the road. I slam on the breaks and have one second or less before impact. I think to myself. I am going to die. This has already happened. I feel OK and at peace. I hope it won’t hurt much. My life did not flash before my eyes, even though I thought this was it.
As I saw white all envelop me, I thought it was over, and I felt at peace.
As the airbags deflated and the smoke was seeping out, I thought my car was smoking and needed to get out. I was utterly shaken and had to take a moment to realize that I did not die, and I was, in fact, just in a high-speed collision.

“Are you OK?” My friend says with concern.
“NO, I just got into an accident!” As reality sinks in.
“Are you OK?!”
“NO, I just got into an accident!!” I am shaking and going into shock.
“I have to let you go. I will call back.” I hang up the phone.

Looking around at the damage, I see my coffee splattered all over the dash and windshield. The case of la’crox from the back seat floor made it to the foot of the front seat and saved my coffee cup from shattering, my Reiki table and suitcase projected forward, and my cell jammed at the bottom of the dash and windshield. I felt warm fluid on my face and pain in my left arm. The radio was on, the volume was fairly loud, and it would not turn off. The key was stuck in the ignition and would not turn, and I just wanted the damn music to turn off so that I could think.

A dark woman dressed in black clothes and a colorful cloth headband came to the driver’s side and tried to open the door, but it was jammed shut. Moving around to the passenger side, she says,

“Are you OK?! What is your name? Where are you going? What is your name? You are OK. My name is Ebony. Is there someone you want me to call?”

Pulling down the visor, I look at my face. No blood, just snot, thank God. I dial my roommate, and she picks up, later admitting that she knew the timing of the call was all wrong and that something was up. It was 11:19 am, less than an hour into my three-hour trip. Ebony took the phone, spoke to her for a moment, and then gave it back, letting me know they were on the way. Another two good samaritans stayed with me and helped open the driver’s side door so I could talk to them. The police, ambulance, and fire trucks were on the way, and we were blocking off a main road.

“Are you OK if I leave? I am heading to a funeral.” Ebony says to me.
“Of course! Thank you so much, thank you!” And my dark angel was gone.

I decide to get out of my car and look at the damage. My vehicle had traveled straight up the road before coming to a stop. He hit me almost head-on, and his car spun around to face my direction. The damage to my vehicle was surprisingly minor, considering the impact speed. As you can see in the photos, his entire front end was smashed.

The next couple of hours is a blur between telling the police what happened, talking to my insurance company, bursts of tears, floods of gratitude, more phone calls, and trying to have my shit together even though I thought I was done for and dead, I now have to adult. The fact that I was alone and so was the other driver was a relief. I could not handle hurting someone or managing their panic right now. The other driver and I were checked out by paramedics and released to go to the hospital on our own accord.
Thank God for my roommates who came and picked me up, gathered my things from the officer’s car because my vehicle had been towed, and took me to the emergency room. Thank God that I share my location with a trusted friend just in case something like this happens. Thank God that no one got hurt. Thank God for my spirit guides who were celebrating the miracle about to occur right before my very eyes.
I left the hospital with an ace bandage and an ice pack. There was no blood and nothing broken. A miracle, and I have no idea how I am here today sharing this story. There are those moments in our life that change everything. This was one of those moments. Today I sit here stiff and sore, grateful that I am alive and saved again!
When I told my son what had happened, he asked me if it was an April fool’s joke. I had not noticed that was the date, and I let out a belly laugh at the irony, then assured him that I would never joke about something like this.

“Wow. Your car is wrekd, what r u gonna get?” His text reads.
“I am going to get another Kia Soul. That thing has saved my life twice!”
Right before I wrote this, I bought my next new soul, and I will keep buying them as long as they keep saving my life and hauling my Reiki table.

I love you all so much and am beyond lucky to know you. With all my love from the bottom of my heart! There is so much love for you here! Please share this blog with a friend or loved one who may be struggling.
We share our stories so that they may help others not to feel alone.

Until next time friend!

Christy-Lee D!!

Hello Beautiful Friends!

           Oh, how I have missed you! I have been in hibernation over the grueling Winter and am beginning to peek my head above ground for the first time in months. This Winter was harsh, and I struggled immensely. I did not feel ready to write because everything was still so raw and painful, and when I write, I try to include detail and emotion, which can take a toll. So, unready to come out of my cave, I decided to cuddle up for a depressing season in a desolate area.

           Being still is not one of my strengths, and I do not usually enjoy what comes up mentally and emotionally when I do so. I avoid feelings instead of dealing with the root cause. I did this by drinking and staying busy. I have not had a drink, and I continue to struggle with being still, physically and mentally. One of the main goals of my healing right now is to be still and listen, listen to what comes up, and look deeper. 

           Many things have come up for me due to recent events that have activated pain and suffering from past events. We know that one pain is all pain, so when I am upset because I feel betrayed by someone, it brings up all the feelings of betrayal I have had my entire life.

This gives me a lot to sort through; however, if I am willing to sit in the cave and sort through the bones, I can find the root cause. My root causes are typically fear of abandonment or inadequacy.

           I was walking through the halls at work the other day, and someone said,

           “Hello! Happy Spring!”

“It is Spring isn’t it?” I said in wonder.

As I passed, my eyes welled up with tears, and my heart filled with joy. I made it through the Winter. I made it to Spring, and everything is going to be ok. Things will be new and reborn, rejuvenated and fresh. Mother Nature is giving us the promise and hope of another season.

We made it. Winter is over. I can feel the warm sun kiss my cheeks like a loving guardian, and I know that ALL IS WELL.

Things are not “all better,”  I’m not “over it,” and I still cry a lot; however, things are much better than they were six months ago, and I am ready to come out of the cave. Now is the time to bloom again, just like many times in the past, and I intend to do so as long as God gives me another Spring.

I love you all so very much.

There is so much love for you here! Please share this blog with a friend or loved one who may be struggling.

We share our stories so that they may help others not to feel alone. 

Until next time friend!

Christy-Lee D!!

Friends, I am here today to talk about anthems! These rousing and uplifting songs are what get us through hard times. So we crank the volume and sing straight from our soul about strength, courage, and the ability to get back up from the ground, start new and become even better than we were before.  

The songs that make us want to let our hair down and dance like wild animals or shout primordial sounds. The songs that bring tears to our eyes because we know that we have what it takes to do hard things. The pieces that so eloquently put into words our pains and struggles, triumphs and victories, and desire for a better way of life.  

Whitney Houston’s ‘I’m every woman,’ TLC, ‘No scrubs’, and Emmy Meli’s ‘I am woman .’These are some of the anthems that have pulled me through some hard shit. I am currently loving ‘I am woman’ and am adding a link at the bottom.  

Full Transparency: I hated this song by Emmy Meli when I first heard it. I was in a yoga class, and it came on during the cool-down. It was hella projecting, and any men in the class probably felt uncomfortable. I even thought, how dare they play this song in a yoga class? I was very judgy and in a much different place in life.

Today, I heard the song again, with new ears, and I fell utterly in love with the words and the message behind them. It makes me feel strong, sexy and empowered in a whole new way. I instantly added it to my favorites, put it on repeat, and sang my soul out. Some of the lyrics are below.

_____________________________________________________________________________

I am woman, I am fearless

 I am sexy, I’m divine

 I’m unbeatable, I’m creative

 Honey, you can get in line

 I am feminine, I am masculine

 I am anything I want

 I can teach you, I can love you

 If you got it going on

I’m classy, I’m modern, I live by my own design

I’m cherry, I’m lemon, I’m the sweetest key lime pie

I’m electric, I’m bass, I’m the beat of my own drum

I could make your goosebumps raise

With the tracing of my thumb

Only love can get inside me

 I move in my own timing

 Voice of the future speak to me kindly

 I feel what I want and somehow it finds me

_____________________________________________________________________________

I reached out to the instructor who played the song and told them thank you. 

I did not love it then. Now, I am ridiculously in love with it. This song gets to my core, and I am so grateful for Emmy and her talent. Check out her story on this song and how it became an overnight TikTok sensation. And it was only the hook. She still needed to write the rest of the song!  

Please give it a listen and see how you feel. I would love to hear from you! What anthems have kept you going or got you through hard times? You can add a link in the comments or write the name. 

Share the strength and remember, you are loved!

There is so much love for you here! Please share this blog with a friend or loved one who may be struggling. 

We share our stories so that they may help others not to feel alone.  

Until next time friend!

Christy-Lee D!! 

I want to sign up for tinder or some online dating and start filling my time swiping and sending messages.  First, I would get validation and have my ego stroked.  Then I would spend time planning and obsessing, shaming, and criticizing myself when they didn’t show up or call, and I would move on to the next one that was a match—trying to fill a cup with a hole in the bottom without ever patching the hole.  Filling and filling and wondering why I still feel empty.

I want to do this only because it is my first thought.  Remember, FIRST THOUGHT WRONG.  My first thought is how I have thought my whole life; it is my “go-to” stuff.  It is what my brain knows.  My brain knows co-dependency and running away from self.

Now that I have been gifted the awareness, these are things that I am working consciously towards shifting.

The first thought is all wrong.

The second thought gets a little better.

Second thought, No.  I do not want those things.  I want to do the things that I want to do: going to meetings, doing yoga, going to the gym, and writing.  So how do I get this stuff done?  I FAKE IT.  You know, fake it til you make it?  This is like that, but healthily—fake doing the next right thing in healing and recovery.

I am sitting in my car and do not want to go to yoga.  I can quickly drive home and be warm in my cozy room with my kitties.

It is dark and freezing, and who do I have to answer to anyhow?  I answer to myself, my Higher Self.  And even though no one will criticize me for not doing this class, I will know that I am not changing anything.  I am staying in my old ways of thinking and being, and I need to step out of my car and do the next right thing.  Fake it.

After yoga, I plan to attend a meeting and then go home to rest and reset.  This new lifestyle is different, and I am willing to fake it until I am in a better place mentally, physically, spiritually, and emotionally.

We can do hard things and keep putting one foot in front of the other.

YOU GOT THIS!

There is so much love for you here!  Please share this blog with a friend or loved one who may be struggling.

We share our stories so that they may help others not to feel alone. 

Until next time friend!

Christy-Lee D!!

What is Compound Grief? Compound grief is when you have more than one loss at a time, and grief is compounded or stacked. When a person suffers more than one loss, grief can be complicated and remain unresolved, too much for one to cope with.

My sister in Florida texted me and said Blackjack was not behaving well, he was becoming aggressive toward the other animals, and I had to crate him. My first instinct was something was wrong and he was probably in pain. That behavior is out of character for our lazy, loyal pup.

A few days pass, and things seem ok, but he is getting bloated and not back to normal. So yesterday, My sister, Lisa, took him to the emergency vet an hour and a half from her house.

The vet immediately took him in the back and assessed the situation. He was in bad shape. They did all the tests they could and drained five liters of fluid from his belly. The next option was more testing and an overnight stay at the vet, which would likely end up in bad news.

My sister was troubled. She only got Blackjack from me less than a month ago and was falling for his sweet demeanor and loving character. 

But, he was nearly 14 years old and had Lymes disease and other ailments we managed over the years.

At 8:15 pm, we decided to euthanize Blackjack while he was comfortable and stable. Lisa was with him the entire time, more than I could have asked from anyone. She is such a great sister, and she handled it like a champ while I sat home, a thousand miles away, and focused on my breath.

Inhale, exhale, inhale, exhale. That is all I could do to keep from falling apart.  

Inhale, and hold space for the transition. Exhale, be calm for Blackjack. Inhale, tears creep up. Exhale, and smile because it happened.

I used the techniques I learned in SARA Animal Reiki to create a healing bridge for him to cross over peacefully and with love. 

I was holding myself together energetically for him, knowing he could feel if I was ok.

9:15 pm “He is gone.”

I lay down in my bed, feeling like the soul has been sucked out of me by dementors, not one drop left in me for the day, and pick up the phone.

I call someone in my network and talk it out. They reassured me that, after all I have recently endured, it is precisely how I should be feeling and that I should go to bed. I laughed because I knew they were right. 

Tomorrow is a new day.

As this new grief washes over me, I decide the best thing is to continue business as usual. So I picked out an outfit and prepared for Monday because I show up. 

I show up tomorrow, which means I continue to put one foot in front of the other, even if my legs are weary and my knees are weak. Showing up means throwing this on my pile of compounding grief and trying to sort it out sober.

What I want to do is eat. Eat sugar and comfort foods to drown my sorrows. But, alas, I know it will only make me feel worse in the long run. So, I fake it. I pretend it is ok because I know it will be one day. I pull myself out of bed and go to work because what is the alternative? Stay home and wallow in sadness and pity? That is what kept me drunk.

Each day I have a choice to do things differently than I have my entire life. Today I choose to acknowledge the loss of my beloved pet and know there will be a day of reckoning.

Thank God for my Higher Power, which I call God/Universe, for my recovery program, and for the gift of this next inhale, which many of us will not receive.

There is so much love for you here. Please share this blog with a friend or loved one who may be struggling.

We share our stories so that they may help others not to feel alone. 

Until next time friend.

Christy-Lee D.

Thanksgiving has always been a holiday filled with people, food, and a certain level of chaos.  Every year until my mom passed away, we had a big family gathering for dinner.  I say big, but it was me, my three sisters, and my parents, who were, in actuality, my mom, two aunts, and grandparents.  Stay with me.  So, we had these great, warm, and loving holidays, and I have many beautiful memories associated with those days.

After my mom passed away and we all moved away from home, we started attending a close friend’s house for Thanksgiving.  First, it would be Harley and me, then, at some point in the day, I would get Ronan, and we would all spend time together.  This filled the hole of being far away from my blood family, and we did this until I married in 2017. 

We then started sharing holidays at my partner’s house, where I fell in love with his family.  By way of step-families, these people were terrific.  They welcomed my two children and me into the family openly and made no comments or concerns that I was older than his oldest sister or that I am an alcoholic.

They were nothing but loving, supporting, and accepting.  I immensely enjoyed the times I spent with his family on holidays and beach vacations.

When we have lost loved ones, there is a sense of fear that it will happen again.  I loved my partner’s family, yet I never got too close.  I kept them all at arm’s reach, not wanting to feel the pain if they were to leave.

Thanksgiving 2022.  I am in an entirely different space and surrounded by no one.  I ate french bread pizza for dinner and took a nap.  I cried and meditated, honoring whatever came up for me.  I could have gone to dinner with some friends; however, I am peeling back the layers of my codependency.  I was with people all previous Thanksgiving holidays, and I have been like that most of my life.  This year I wanted to be with me.  I wanted to be with the memories, the smiles, and the tears.  And when I felt sad, I remembered a saying from Dr. Seuss, “Don’t cry because it is over.  Smile because it happened.” So I smile and wipe the tears from my face. I take a deep breath, and continue putting on my sock, grocery shopping, or whatever.  I keep putting one foot in front of the other. 

This year is a lone Thanksgiving, as there will never be another one like it.  Next year I will have had some time to heal and won’t be so raw, but this year, I am a bleeding heart trying to take time and space to look inside and find the love for myself that I think I need or want from someone else.  I am complete, and there is no separation.  I sit in discomfort and breathe, as I do when I practice yoga, and I don’t pick up a drink as I practice in my recovery program.  I can do hard things, even if that hard thing is sitting alone in silence on Thanksgiving and eating French bread pizza.

There is so much love for you here!  Please share this blog with a friend or loved one who may be struggling.

We share our stories so that they may help others not to feel alone. 

Until next time friend!

Christy-Lee D!!

Bethany Beach Boardwalk

The familiar: Pitta dosha, fire, passionate, quick to anger, masculine, yang
The unfamiliar: Vata dosha, air, space, light, cool, moon, feminine, yin

I can identify quickly with the familiar, and when asked, I would willingly admit my need for balance. Awareness changes everything. Once you become aware, you cannot go back and become unaware, no matter how much you try to deceive yourself.

The Universe gives us exactly what we ask for in a way that may not be considered ideal to us as individuals. I loved going to work at the warm yoga studio, where I would dance around with the music blasting before each of the ten classes I taught each week, moving some energy and getting my blood pumping. I was constantly damp from residual sweat, and it was glorious.

I love the heat and the high energy, yet I knew(mentally) and could feel(physically) that I was imbalanced. So I wondered, but not for too long when my battery might run low, and I would need to go into power-saving mode.

For eighteen months straight, I operated this way, thriving in my business and personal life, yet I could feel the strong pull(spiritual) towards something new. The feelings(emotional) drew me towards the cool moon and ocean waves.

Cue life getting lifey -or- Life on life’s terms.

Things were too familiar for too long, and today things are the opposite.
To preface, I hate being cold(physical). I start to shiver, and then I feel the cold in my stomach. My stomach gets tight. Then I feel nauseated. It is a hot mess.

I am passionate, compulsive, and quick to anger(emotional). I hardly ever stop moving and love spicy food(physical). I have difficulty quieting my mind or sitting in meditation(spiritual).

So, I am ENTIRELY UNFAMILIAR with this other side of my being. The feminine, yin, moon, cooling, calm energy needs to be nurtured and allowed to grow, as uncomfortable as it will be.
Every person, place, thing, situation, relationship, yoga pose, bank account, etc., needs balance.

By “ God doing for me what I would not, could not do for myself,” I sit in the freezer.

I am now working at a desk, with no dancing beforehand, no physical activity, and it is freezing cold! I feel like I am frozen to the core. Or, as I will never be warm again when I laugh and think, I asked for this. I asked to be cooled off and balanced, so I moved to the ocean, three miles from the boardwalk.

A boardwalk in Winter can be an ominous sight. If you have SAD(seasonal affective disorder), be mindful. It has an eerie and sad undertone, like, an abandoned theme park. Here is a place that knows how to be on fire yet sits completely deserted and cold.

So, the same goes for me. I know how to be on fire, yet here I sit, deserted and cold. Frozen in stillness at my desk. (It’s not as sad as it sounds; I have a blanket) A physical reminder that I need to slow down, rest, and recover.

It is like the ice bucket challenge from a couple of years ago. I just had a whole trough of ice dumped on all four of my bodies(physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual), and now I am learning to gently navigate this new and unchartered territory.

It is uncomfortable, and I do not like it. I do not like green eggs and ham; I do not like it. However, I know it is a necessary phase of my development. If I am painstaking about this phase of my development, I will be surprised before I am halfway through, and I will know a new freedom and a new happiness.

If you have any tips for staying warm and healthy(mentally, emotionally, spiritually, physically) at a full-time desk job in the Artic, I would love to hear from you.

There is so much love for you here! Please share this blog with a friend or loved one who may be struggling.
We share our stories so that they may help others not to feel alone.

Until next time friend!

Christy-Lee D!!

For the last few months, I have awoken with a familiar thought, resentment. Resentment that my partner and I were no longer intimate in any form, I longed for connection. As soon as my thinking brain would awake, it was on. Resentment can take me to a bad place quickly, and many mornings I would not be able to fall back asleep or change my thoughts. Instead, I would cry and think to myself. This is it. This is your life.

The resentment came from expectation. Expectations are resentments in training, and for me, this resentment was trained and ready to be promoted to Boss. This feeling occurred four out of seven mornings, and as the resentment grew, so did my despair and insecurities. I followed the words of my guides and prayed for my partner and our relationship, but it was empty. I did not mean what I said when praying for them to be happy; it was not changing anything inside me. I was still hurt and angry.

My last post describes what happened and where I am now. So many things have changed, but one thing has not. The resentment has taken a new form. It now comes in the form of shattered dreams, a lost future together, and the security of a long-term partnership. I resent how I woke up in a rented room when I was once the matriarch of a beautiful three-level home. Anger about how I had to re-home half of my beloved pets and the loss of self-confidence and independence I had in the eight years I was single before falling again. Resentment that I was “forced” to leave them.

I have resentment and a broken heart. Praying for them was not working, so I told my sponsor. They said, pray for the resentment, “ God, forgive me for my resentment.” Holy shit!
What a concept. I was getting nowhere, praying for them to be better. I needed to pray for me to be better. I now use this prayer many times a day as I notice where this series of events has left me wounded and slightly jaded.

“God, forgive me for my resentment.”

It sets me free and gives me the grace I need to recognize I have resentments and that they are a normal part of the human experience. I can ask for forgiveness until time heals the wounds, and I can move on confidently in the direction of my dreams.

First thought wrong.

My first thought this morning was,

“How the hell did this become my life? Resentment, resentment, resentment…..”

Second thought,

“God, forgive me for my resentment.”

As my resentment takes a new form, so does my recovery. Finally, I get to sit through the discomfort and the tears and know I did all this because I am sober. My Higher Power did not drag me out of the ocean and onto the shore for nothing. It is up to me to take the next steps, to crawl, stand, and trudge the road to a happy destiny.

There is love for you here.

You can do hard things.

The Instructors voice gently fades in,

“Take a deep breath and remember where you are, Fenwick, Deleware, and think of that thing that makes you feel empowered.”

As I return to my breath and remember that I now sit in Fenwick Deleware, a tear rolls down my cheek. My thumb slides to the base of my left-hand ring finger to straighten out the ring that fell heavily to one side. The ring no longer embraced my finger, and I recalled the moment I most recently felt empowered.

It has been about three months since my last post, and many changes have occurred. 

• Divorce
• Empty nest
• Re-homing most of my pets
• New job
• New Address
• New, old last name
• New phone number

Two days prior, I sat in a 20-foot U-Haul truck, with two of my kitties next to me, my Kia in tow on a trailer, and drove to a storage unit in Delaware. 

I can do hard things. I kept saying that to myself as I drove in my lane and gripped the steering wheel. I told myself that if I could do this, I could do anything and that I am a self-sufficient person. 

My dad would have been proud of my skills with the trailer and handling the truck. 

I was thankful that he taught me to drive all kinds of vehicles so I would not be intimidated. I was not scared. I took the bull by the horns, looked lovingly into its eyes, and said, “Let’s do this!” The entire move went smoothly, and now, I sit. In Fenwick, Delaware, because I can do hard things.  

I can leave an unfulfilling marriage and take the chance that there is joy outside the security of marriage. I can send my daughter off to her new adult life with the example that we do not have to be doing things we “have to” do. We can break the molds of generations and live with love and passion. 

I can walk away from a prominent role in my loving community and know it is not goodbye. I can have healthy boundaries and jump head-first into fear, knowing it will be ok. I can go through the abovementioned things and not pick up a drink. 

If you were wondering where I have been, I have been in Delaware, healing, recovering, and growing. I am plugging into meetings and yoga, and with those things, I know I will be on my way. 

Plus, a full-time job will change things. I have no idea what lies ahead, but I do know that if it sucks, I am willing to change it. I am open to just about anything at this point. Unfortunately, I can’t grasp my life’s plan the way I gripped onto the U-Haul. So I have to let go completely.

A Faith Freefall is what I call it. I lept, and with blind faith, I knew I would land on my feet. In this case, I landed on my butt in Fenwick, Delaware.

It has been over a month since I have sat down to write. Things have been happening so fast. I spent my entire life until now wandering. I wandered from this hobby to that job. I tried and succeeded as well as failed at many, many jobs. I blew opportunities and carelessly spent money on things I thought would bring me closer to peace and joy. I wanted peace and joy so severely that I felt like I needed to keep working and doing to find it.

Faith without works is dead.

I thought that if I kept busy, no one would realize how lost I was and how deeply sad my heart felt. I did not want to be still. I knew that once I sat in the silence of my soul, there would be pain. The deep pain that I drank away for twenty years.
If I stayed busy, I would not have to face myself and make changes. I could continue in my false sense of serenity, smiling and achieving what others achieve while not drunk. I was so good at hiding from myself.

Then Yoga found me.

Yoga means union. Once I started a regular yoga practice, and I mean more than just the asana (movement), all the eight limbs. These limbs, along with my program of recovery, gave me a sense of genuine support and serenity.
I feel held and safe, and that allows me to go deeper. Deeper into the corners of my soul and clear out the mess.

Faith without works is dead.

The work is not what I thought. I cannot task or educate my way to peace and freedom. These gifts come from having a daily spiritual practice. Movement and meditation are ways in which I can “work” to display my faith. I can give myself the gift of sitting in silence and healing the scared teenager that lies within. Through faith, I can lean into fear with a knowing that “All is well.”

I cried in Yoga today.

It has been over a month since I sat to write and practice yoga asana. There is a direct correlation for me between my practice and my self-study. When I do not come to my mat, I do not connect. There is no union. I am scattered, spread too thin, and lacking purpose and direction.

I missed myself—my True self. The self I am getting to know more each day is so beautiful and loving that it makes my chest ache from the amount of grace I feel. This love and grace starts in my heart, radiates from my chest to my entire soul, then through tears of immeasurable gratitude.

It is this feeling that I wish for you. This feeling of self-love and peace that you cry freely, releasing yourself from any guilt, shame, or judgment. Because what is there to judge? Arent we all searching for the same thing?

Take good care, beautiful friend.

I wish you peace, freedom, and union.

I look forward to the next time we are together. Until then, be kind to each other.

With so much love,

Christy-Lee B.

Heal Me, LLC.

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